Here's a funny & relevant joke about the United States:
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States ofAmerica:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USAand thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocationof your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign MajestyQueen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does notfancy).Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. The House of Representatives andthe Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulatednext year to determinewhether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a BritishCrown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediateeffect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" withoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix - 'ize' will be replaced bythe suffix - 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise yourvocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as US English. We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will beadjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and theelimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,God Save the Queen.4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that your not adult enough to be independent. Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you'recertainly not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anythingmore dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if youwish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap so this is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you willstart driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help youunderstand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call Frenchfries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potatochips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried inanimal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred toas beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will bereferred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to asNear-Frozen Gnats' Urine, so that all can be sold without risk offurther confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asgood guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors toplay English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt Englishdialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to havingone's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, intime, be allowed to play Rugby Union (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game, which is not playedoutside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is aworld beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.Thank you for your cooperation.
John Cleese.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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